Thursday, December 10, 2015

White Album

Your notes came through in spring,
Reaching you with my noises,
Together, our noises were in harmony,
A beautiful song, reverberating.
Have you realized?...

Our chords clashed when summer came,
Unforgettable resonance,
Our hearts were moved,
Beautifully carved into our memories.
Have you realized yet?....

My heart grew with the fall,
The sound grew cold and dark,
Without you, our chords clash not,
Feeling confused and incomplete.
The feeling of losing someone special....

You were near yet distant,
Winter froze my heart,
Having fun together with you,
Yet my heart suffocates.
Guess my heart never really froze anyway.....

It snowed again and I will remember
How our notes met in spring,
How our hearts clashed in summer,
How you left me confused in the fall.
And how you taught me to realize how much love can really hurt when winter came......

ta da di daaa daaa pummm pummm e yi di ti diii dee e yam pum pum~ :)

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Vulnerability

Falling, falling and falling,
Into this bottomless pit,
May your heart survive in the offing,
For it offers only to rot.

It is a pit of purgatory,
Trapping only hearts that have sinned,
Failing to let mind take authority,
For the heart so desired.

Injecting uncertainty and fear,
Is the forte of this darkness,
For having lost but once your armor,
You long only the odds.

There may be gold in this darkness,
Will it grow a ladder out?
Will it drag you into the abyss?
And despair shall only await
.

Failed attempt at rhyming! haha....

I'll never allow myself to be in this position again because it hurts so so bad down the very core of your own humanity and you'll come to a point of being unable to answer a question that's thrown at you "What's your morality?" I was pretty sure I was moving on until I've come to a point where my dreams start taking charge with a particular person and I started questioning myself on my ability to move on. I'm sure you can guess who that is. Happens 2-3 sometimes 4 times a week, different place, different setting, different side characters but 2 things stay the same; the main character and the feeling. Hence, the only thing that tears apart my reality and dreams is my injured right knee at the moment. Perhaps my right knee was meant to be damaged after all.

It is often said that it is easier to hate than to love. But I guess I'll still go with the latter. I hope I have enough strength to persevere.

On a side note, I been to church last Sunday, met a chap who's 2 years older than me and starting talking (or more like being bombarded with questions that questions a lot on my principles, morality and faith). The old me would have answered what everyone who's asking that question wants to hear, but the me right now, I'll just blabber off what I think is right at the moment for me to the deepest of my respect with what limited knowledge I have (of course I have to strive further on to seek a satisfactory answer). But then again, I only would hope I would not lose track and seek answers to satisfy the qualms of others for peace and joy is what I may very least bear a chance to embrace. Nevertheless, what I really want to say is, I have an instinct couple weeks back to get back to church (now we all know instinct works really well if aligned well with reason, and unfortunately not in my case). So I started, questioning my reason, and I started to wonder is it perhaps, church could be the closest place to comfort? Is it because church have been the constant since my birth? And is it because of that very reason, when I step into a church and I can proudly tell to myself "I am back"? I'm not sure what that reason is and I have always admired people who are able to give themselves and commit themselves to God. So, I thought, I should stop wondering and admiring and perhaps start taking a change to attend bible studies and learn whatever I can with a open mind and with a open heart that spells "God, if I truly am your child, and if I truly will find peace and joy, work your plans through me for I shall obey and Lord, let me find You, Amen"

Goodnight! Time to get treatment for my knee! Running late now!

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Dreamer

Running up this rough road, 
Narrowly paved with cement, 
Grazing my skin through this thin air. 
As if I'm flying without wings. 

All variations of yellow and orange, 
Intertwining one another beautifully, 
Like a mix of sunset and a sunny afternoon, 
Cooling, calm and serene - indescribable 

My heart was beating stronger than before, 
Feeling fearful, afraid, terrified and petrified, 
Running through this foreign land alone, 
My feet started to grow cold and weary. 

My hands then emits a strange warmness, 
No, it was your hand, 
Filling up the gaps between our fingers, 
Embracing me with your gentle hold. 

Like poison, spreading all over me, 
Enveloping all over me inside out. 
My feet, no longer cold, 
My heart, no longer petrified. 

Little did I know, 
I was squeezing your hands, gushing out all air, 
Never wanting to let you go, 
And I know I have found my drug; you. 

You kissed me in the cheek, 
Holding me, and whispered, 
"I'll never let you go again" 
I closed my eyes, and it lasted forever. 

I felt the glittering stardust flying over me, 
My heart, petrified once again 
I took a peep into the darkness, 
I realise it was all just a dream.

Dreams disappear when the dreamer awakes - Gilgamesh in Fate/Zero 

I've been dreaming about her lately.. They say, if you dream about someone it means that they missed you. So I sat and wondered, did you missed me? I then laughed, since when did I start clinging on to all these intangible little hopes. 

So I have to admit.. I have been handling my breakup in a pretty immature way.. But I don't know if I should be grateful that I did because I managed to get my 'real' closure I guess? And I'm not sure why, but I really felt better ever since that day. It has been pretty hard too because my mum always reminds me all the things that I have done for her and I don't want to think that way for everything I have done have been from my heart.

Speaking of which, been having some really bad luck these days.. Lost my jogging shoe due to my clumsiness and I twisted my right knee ligament which would set me back to resting at least a month (left knee was my old injury that lasted around 5 years). I was really glad to have my buddy to fetch me all the way to Ampang for 2 days to get treatment for my right knee and house me for a night. Neither could I stand nor walk at all on the first day and it was terribly pain as though hell was on earth. Glad that he was there to help me and I really appreciate that and thank God for blessing me with such a friend. 

P/s : He's more like a brother to me, and I swear/promise/pledge with all my heart, all my soul, with all my strength and with the very last breath and wits I have on this earth I would never forsake anyone I consider as my family no matter what. For if I may have been forsaken, I would gladly lay down my life to the gods of this earth that thou may leadeth me to face the punishments of my sins for thy have taken away what I hold precious in what my insignificant life to thee may be.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Time Machine

If I had a time machine, baby
I would run back to undo em'
We both came from the same world
Yet such distinct outcomes we are.
Baby I swear each time I looked into them, your eyes
I was mesmerized into them and I turned away
Because within you, you're perfect
You had the colours, such beauty, grace and kindness
That I could never have uphold.

Baby, if only I have a time machine,
I would never have the scars I have now,
Engraved deep within my soul,
I'm never worthy to have you
Because my eyes bleed when they looked into me
What am I? Who am I?
Never more than a prisoner of his past,

That has mistakes carved all over his blood.

Don't promise me, my love
The unconditional tenderness and warmth of your hands
Has almost always led me go out of control
I'm imperfect, you're perfect
Fill up my world with your colours,
Light up my world with your warmth
Never there shall be tears with your love
And tenderness, for I am always yours,
And only yours alone,
Baby, but if only I have a time machine...

I don't want to lose anyone anymore...

I spoke to someone today.. and I was asked a question.. "Have everything that you have been doing is all for her? Or for yourself? Or at least in her eyes, are they for her?".. And this question got me into thinking.. And then later on I was cloaked with this enormous feeling of guilt.. If I can go back to the past, I would give my full attention to her and do everything for her.. Because, what else more does it matter if I have done so much but the person that is the closest to me leaves me? It doesn't mean anything to me anymore..

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Will you be back?


There are times when I think of you,
This feeling comes flooding in
Forcing me to ride through this strange wave,
Strange because it makes my heart heavy.

There are times our memories forces it's way in,
Piercing through every single thought of mine,
Revisiting the footprints in my heart you have made,
The wave have caused the footprints go only deeper.

There are times I remember your smile,
The smile that brought colours to my world,
Bringing my heart to a whole new world,
And it is that smile I fell in love with.

There are times I feel lost,
Because you have been my direction,
I weep by myself and think
"I don't know what I should do anymore"

There are times I miss you,
Your voice, your smile, the touch of your hands,
Hoping you would feel the same,
But I can only hope...

There are times I wish you'll be back,
So we can go back to how we were,
Where there is only us in this world,
But I can only wish...
(Baby, I hope you'll come back to me... In my arms...)

There are times I would still end up alone no matter how busy I would occupy myself with so many things.. And I end up thinking about her... Sometimes even in the midst of my work I do think about her... I know it's better not to, but there's a reason why the heart and the brain of a human are 2 separate entities I guess? I know for a reason she wouldn't come back to me anymore.. I know she's a person that's very strong on her decision.. And I also know I have committed to too many things and not being able to spend a lot of time with her and that's the main reason why she chose to end things..

P/s : If you're reading this (although unlikely)... I'm sorry that I've posted that on Facebook.. Yes I make mistakes, I don't know what I was thinking when I was doing that.. I thought it would help me get over you.. But instead I've annoyed you even more..

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Love's Sorrow




(Fit.. Fit... Fit... Fit....)
The sound of a million paged book flipping,
Playing through his mind as though time ceases to exist,
A book that guides you through the tales of joy and sorrow,
Created none other than the love of a man and a woman.

(Fit.. Fit... Fit... Fit....)
As the wind sweeps through the unusual cloudy day,
Each page filled with passion, dreams and memories rustle quickly,
Reminding him of the promise that was made,
But all promises are meant to be broken anyway...
"together forever, never apart, maybe in distance, never at heart"

(Fit.. Fit... Fit... Fit....)
The wind stopped, and the book stayed still,
An empty page, waiting for the future to be filled..
Reminding him of how he pictured their future together,
But those images now have only known to smear..

(....................)
It is all quiet now, and the sound of nature resounds,
But passes his ear quickly,
Because all he can only hear now
Is his own sound of weeping and screaming in pain.

"I guess if we really love each other, no matter what we would make it work"
He remembers her exact words to him on that day,
Words that are filled with passion and warmth,
Words that holds you tightly and never want to let you go,
Giving your heart the security it never had.
(but what are words if they're only for good times then they’re done? -  Chris Medina)

(Fit.. Fit... Fit... Fit....)
The wind of sorrow revisits again like a ghost that haunts you,
Drowning him in the sea of regrets and mistakes,
Because you will know you really love a person,
When you can't hate that person for breaking your heart.


This is my first post since 2012. On a long hiatus as I got into relationship on 17th December 2012 and I guess my emotional self disappeared since then as I have thought to found joy and happiness. Unfortunately, it was only a momentary happiness that ended on 16th July 2015. But this long 2 and a half years felt really long to me. It may be a short time for some but it was a long time for me. She's the one i treated like my other half.. like my family. And now I have lost a family member. It's really tough on my heart and I'm not even sure how am I going to get through this as this is the first time in my life I have felt so heartbroken. I remember how back in the days I could easily just flip my emotional switch and feel nothing but this time around I tried flipping it but it's so hard because somehow however busy I try to occupy myself and not to think about her, this feeling visits me and haunts me. My friends and family supported me, gave me encouraging words and I really thanked them for being there but however hard I tried, it's really tough on me. However hard I tried to feel positive, think positive and be positive it's still hard on me. I guess this is one of my toughest challenge in life. I even looked up relationship counselling/therapist or psychology therapist services. Yup, this is how bad it is... But somehow, all that keeps me going on everyday is that life goes on and there are people out there that are depending on me.. the orchestra, the investment group, work... and sometimes I begin to wonder I try so hard for others, I devote my time and energy so much for others and this is the punishment I received. I begin to question, God, what have I done wrong for you to forsake me so? 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

listen to my story, this may be our last chance

Actions, gestures and verbs,
They narrate a story of yours.
Very truly popular in acceptance,
But that's only when you sway it a little.

Actions, gestures and verbs.
However many form there may be,

Only one would be truly yours,
But very unpopular in acceptance.


Your story, has barriers all around
Because your heart has learnt to grew barriers.

But your story wants to be heard
For only one reason ; to be accepted.

Call to war to bring down these barriers.
The soul accumulates billions of faith,
But it builds even stronger barriers then.
Because the story was never accepted.

Actions, gestures and verbs.
They can only take the form of deceit now.
Narrating a false story but it's accepted.
O soul of faith, solitude cloaks within you.


O soul of faith,
Empty may you be,
Fearless you will be,

To fend off pain and guilt.

The clock ticks my time away.
But I'll wait my time away
To know who'll be by my side

And I'll know my story is ready.

Ready may it be, words from my mouth could then only be,
"listen to my story, this may be our last chance"

Photograph credits to Natasha Tong,
Do visit her blog, very inspirational :)
http://www.tasha-faye.blogspot.com

p/s : Reason why I chose that picture is because somehow that picture tells me that there will always be a road in front of me in my life no matter how much I run. It's somehow very motivating and inspirational. And pretty. =)